Aliens make first contact on the back of dirty van

Forget radio signals and synthesizers – aliens have made first contact with humanity and they’ve done so by scrawling a message on the back of a dirty van.

For decades dirty vans have been used to write amusing messages, with ‘clean me’ being the typical height of hilarity. But one group of aliens used the filthy canvas to send a much more important message.

At 2am last night, van owner Peter Mulligan reported being woken up by a strange feeling in his stomach.

‘At first I just thought my eighth pint had been dodgy, but then I saw a series of flashing lights.’

When Peter looked out the window he was amazed at what he saw.

‘Three little grey aliens were there, all using their elongated fingers to write on the back of my van. I was so surprised I passed out.’

Peter woke up several hours later and went out to inspect his van. The aliens had left a message for all of humanity…

‘It was two doves, I think they were trying to tell me my van is covered in bird shit. I already knew that though so they wasted their time,’ said Peter.

Mr Mulligan reported the incident to the government as soon as he’d had his traditional cup of tea and bacon sandwich. The government has pledged to thoroughly investigate the incident and the meaning of the message.