‘Apple a day’ only to be taken orally, doctors warn

Doctors across the country are warning that apples are only to be taken orally if patients wish to receive their health benefits, after a spate of people arrived in Accident & Emergency wards with apples up their bum.

The people, mainly men, have arrived in considerable pain with their bungholes stuffed with Golden Delicious apples, as well as other varieties. Each has claimed it was in an attempt to get fit, but doctors have warned against this dangerous practice.

‘An apple a day will only keep the doctor away if you eat it,’
said Doctor Zaffa. ‘If you administer it anally then you’re going to need to see a doctor immediately.’

Patients with apples up their butts have to undergo a surgical procedure known as ‘bum scrumping’, whereby the apple is forcibly removed with the aid of lubricant, a pair of surgical tongs, and a mighty yank.

One man we spoke to who underwent the procedure, and wished to remain anonymous, could barely hide his shame.

‘I was just trying to lose some weight before my summer holidays. However fruit tastes disgusting to me so I thought I’d pop an apple up my bum. It was trickier than I first imagined and as soon as I managed to stuff it up my back-passage I knew I’d made a huge mistake. The anus just shouldn’t be treated like a grocery bag.’

Doctors are hoping that this warning prevents future anal apple accidents.

‘If you really must use a piece of fruit in such a way, go with a small banana. It’s better suited to the task in hand,’ Dr Zaffa suggested.