‘We don’t know how Northerners will react to sunlight if global warming isn’t halted’, warns climate expert

A leading climate expert has warned about the unknown reaction Northerners will have to experiencing regular sunlight if global warming isn’t soon halted.

With recent studies showing that global warming is still increasing, fears continue to grow about the future of the planet. And no fear is more real than the Northern reaction to sunlight.

Northerners have adapted to an environment which sees no more than three days worth of sunlight in any calender year. But what would regular exposure to the sun do to them?

‘We simply don’t know how regular sunlight will affect Northern people,’
warned Dr Putaro.

As a race, Northerners have evolved to be shorter, squatter and more pale than normal human beings. They have also adapted the English language to remove many unnecessary letters in words to use their time more efficiently.

‘Seeing regular sunlight could undo those evolutionary traits entirely. Within a generation we could expect to see them become taller, slimmer, more tanned and generally more visually appealing. That would make them want to look at each other more and have longer conversation, hence they’d revert to talking properly like the rest of us,’
said Dr Putaro.

But that is only ONE of the ways Northern exposure to sunlight could go.

‘Alternatively we might see a new breed of ‘super-people’. The sun may give them strange powers that we can’t even begin to predict. They could quickly overwhelm us – a frightening prospect.’

The theories have frightened the Conservative government so much that they are considering preventative measures.

‘Perhaps a tinted biodome around the North?’
One MP suggested.