‘Why don’t we win more Winter Olympics medals?’ asks country that falls apart every time it snows

Angry fans are demanding an improvement in the medal haul by English athletes at this year’s Winter Olympics in South Korea.

Traditionally it is the Scottish members of the team that win medals for Team GB, with the exception of Jenny Jones and Lizzy Yarnold in 2014 and Torvill & Dean in 1877.

But on the eve of the 23rd Games, some fans are saying that’s not enough.

Edna Piss told us: ‘We’re England, for goodness sake. Every time I watch the Winter Olympics I’m physically sick at the lack of medals won by the English athletes. Yes the Scotch competitors might win one here and there but they don’t count in my eyes. They have an unfair advantage because they are all whacked-out on whiskey and heroin and therefore don’t feel the cold.’

Daily Mail columnist Clifford Gammon said: ‘It’s a national disgrace that our athletes are unable to compete against such tiny, pathetic nations like Austria, Switzerland and Slovenia. We should take their cowbells and Toblerones and shove them up their bureaucratic derrières.

‘We’re a proud sporting nation and should be able to produce athletes that can deliver in the Men’s Super-G, the 4 x 7.5 km Biathlon relay and the Double Luge. Yes, our country turns to shit every time a single snowflake lands on St Paul’s Cathedral, and the only facility we have to practice in is the Milton Keynes Snow Dome, but sport is sport and we shouldn’t be reliant on those savage barbarians north of the border to save us from total embarrassment.’

In a late development, Boris Johnson has announced he will take part in the skiing.

‘Worry not. I know a thing or two about representing a country that is heading downhill fast,’ he farted.