How to eat a banana in public without making it look like you’re blowing a Minion

You’re sat on a bench in a park and you have a ripe banana burning a hole through your handbag. And those hunger pangs ain’t going away by themselves. You need to get your potassium on.

But do you really want to look like you’re blowing a Minion in a public park? No, certainly not when there are kids around anyway. You are, above all else, a classy lady. If you weren’t then you’d already be balls deep on that banana without even considering the social consequences.

Those social consequences? Every man in the park watching you out of the corner of his eye, appraising your technique and putting the mental image in his spank bank for later. Men are pigs and never to be trusted.

So how do you avoid being judged like you’re just another hooker needing a fix?

Here are my top 5 tips…

1. Hide yourself as much as possible.
If you have a magazine great. Use it as a viewing shield so no-one can see to nosh down on that sweet yellow pipe fruit.

2. Don’t, under any circumstances, deepthroat it.
Hey, I know you’re hungry but don’t try and eat that shit in one mouthful. A lady takes her time with Satan’s favorite fruit.

3. Make it toothy.

Men want to see you use your lips and tongue. Fuck that. Use your teeth and destroy that banana in the most aggressive manner possible. Some guys will probably still get off to it but you’ll reduce the number greatly.

4. Break it off.

Rather than putting the thing directly in your mouth, snap a piece off with your fingers and then eat it. You’re adding a middleman to the process to detract guys, much like demanding marriage before sex (you should be doing that too).

5. Go ape.

You’d be amazed by how few men are turned on by women acting like monkeys. So hop up on the bench, do your best ape impression and smash that banana down your gullet. Bonus points if you then defecate and throw it at the nearest man. He won’t be equating the fruit to his own tummy banana anymore. You’ll lose your lady-cred but it’s a small price to pay to show men that you’ll never put on a free fruit show for them.

There you have it. You can now feel safe to eat a banana in public. Next time though it might be easier to just bring an apple instead.