A controversial new update to Facebook is causing fury among millions of users because it reads their thoughts and posts them automatically without permission.
The update uses a special electronic wave which travels from the phone’s camera deep into the dark recesses of the user’s mind and relays the information back to the app.
And to make matters worse, people are unable to delete the truthful comments, causing embarrassment and heartbreak around the world.
Victim Simon Fatality told us: ‘This so-called new and improved version of Facebook has caused me no end of stress. Normally I would leave bland messages under photos like “CUTE LIL BABY!” and “GREAT NIGHT LOL”. I upgraded to the new version and even before I had time to type a platitude my true feelings were posted under every photo I looked at.’
Simon’s timeline became a war-zone and nobody, not even his own mother, was safe from his truth bombardment.
‘My Mum had recently signed up and had updated her profile pic. Within a second of me looking at it the comment “NICE TITS MUMMA” had already been posted from my brain. I tried deleting it but I couldn’t. I scrolled down the timeline and stopped at a photo of my Great Uncle enjoying his 92nd birthday that my sister had put up. Once again a filthy comment appeared from me which read I “WANT TO LICK YOUR SWEET DENTURES BARRY!!!!” The next thing I knew my Mum was on the landline giving me a right bollocking.’
Simon reckons he managed to upset over 55 friends and family members during his short scroll through Facebook. He dealt with the situation by burning his phone and throwing it into the local abattoir for the pigs to eat.
It’s not all bad news for Simon: ‘Despite the outpouring of deep-rooted truth I managed to get quite a few likes and crying-with-laughter emojis. The highest rated comment was from when I wrote “PHWOAR” under the picture of an ex-colleague’s dead cat.’
Simon will not be seeking psychological help as he’s since managed to convince himself his comments were just banter.
Head of Development at Facebook, Valerina Ballerina, told us: ‘We have upgraded the Facebook app to keep up with the modern world’s obsession with jeopardy. Every TV show has some element of danger thrown in to keep the slavering masses entertained so the same should apply to social media. If you don’t like it you can fuck off. Seriously. Fuck off.’