Friends tell man he needs to stay in more

Friends of a local man have told him firmly that he needs to stay in more after he ruined yet another night out.

While they agree that Mitch Ashworth, 28, is a nice enough guy when sober, he quickly devolves into a lecherous, violent menace – but doesn’t really have the physique to pull it off.

‘If he could defend himself from the pissed off boyfriends he leaves in his wake then it wouldn’t be so bad. He’s about 140lbs soaking wet through though so I always feel like I have to intervene, which puts me at risk,’ said Mandy Tackleberry, a powerlifter and absolute tank of a woman.

After the fourth incident in as many weeks, Mitch’s group of friends have sat him down for an intervention.

‘You don’t have the ability to handle your drink or the physical toughness to cope with the consequences. We really think you should think about staying in more. You’re more of a library type than a pub type,’ he was told by Steve McConner, a boxer at South Boxing and Packing.

Mitch has taken the advice to heart and will now join the 89% of the adult population who only ever leave the house to go to work.