Greggs sausage rolls may contain secret to happiness; also pigs’ assholes

Could you find happiness in a dead pig’s asshole? Yes, according to a team of scientists that claim a Greggs sausage roll contains the perfect ratio of salt and fat to trigger the pleasure centre of the brain.

Long hailed as a staple of a workman’s lunch, as well as a hangover cure, a team of six scientists has found that the humble Greggs sausage roll could also contain the secret to happiness.

‘It has the perfect ratio of salt and fat to trigger a pleasurable response in the brain. This comes from our days as cavemen where fat and salt were essential to survive,’
said Dr Whalley, who led the research.

And now miserable Brits are being urged to head to Greggs to cheer themselves up with a sausage roll.

‘They’re far more effective than an antidepressant, and the only side effect is that you might become a bit of a fat bastard,’
said the doctor.

Former Prime Minister David Cameron has said that he isn’t surprised by the findings at all.

‘I’ve been made incredibly happy by a variety of dead pig holes, so this isn’t news to me.’