‘I’m not just a posh twat, I’m a selfish wanker too,’ says selfish, posh wanker

An upper class explorer has been defending his actions after he was rescued from the Ecuadorian Rainforest.

Zebedee Jizzstock was airlifted to safety after five nights in the wild where he encountered snakes, spiders, and indifferent locals giving him wanker gestures behind his back.

His wife, Gethsemane, raised the alarm after he didn’t return home when expected from his solo adventure that he was filming as part of the White Privilege Season on BBC 2.

Jizzstock, who has three young children, decided to throw his satellite phone into the Amazon before he began his quest so that he could become totally immersed in his adventure.

‘Ever since I was a young boy growing up in the wilds of Hampstead I have always felt the urge to wander the planet alone. That means I rely on my own instincts and not expensive GPS equipment or even maps. One feels such nonsense is cheating,’ he said from his hospital bed.

When asked if his behaviour was selfish he replied: ‘I am an explorer. That is my job. Some men work in banks, others work on my vast country estate. I disappear into the wilds for weeks so that my family think I am dead.’

Jizzstock has been reunited with his wife who announced she has moved in with a local builder.

This isn’t the first time Jizzstock has been rescued. In 1999 he embarked on a solo attempt to sail around the world without a boat. He lasted 50 minutes before he was dragged unconscious from Poole Harbour.

In 2003 he attempted to climb Mount Everest without any equipment, including clothes, but he lasted just over an hour before turning back after his frozen penis was chewed off by a yak.