Just think of us as a benevolent older sibling, says Google

Google – the internet leviathan and notorious tax avoider which already owns almost every aspect of your pathetic life, which is able to monitor your every search or action on the internet and which can track your every real-world movement via your mobile phone – today announced that it proposes to install a set-top box in every home.

The company, which recently took street-level and aerial photographs of your house and which copied all of your passwords and personal data while it was about it, has said that it wants to give you the limitless freedom of the internet via a screen in the corner of your room which will always remain switched on to your needs.

‘This will allow targeted advertising and programming to reach every consumer,’ said a grinning Google spokesbod. ‘It will be able to tell you what to buy, where to go, what to think and what to believe…

‘Google wants you to think of us as a family member,’ the savant added. ‘Not a father figure, per se; more the guiding hand of a benevolent older sibling.’

The newly configured units, which will include access to all kinds of applications and will be built under conditions of extreme secrecy in the totalitarian regime of China, will come in the new, tall-screen 19:84 format.