‘Left-handed’ people just doing it for attention, it’s emerged

Everyone claiming to be left-handed is faking it for attention according to a recent scientific study.

The study shows conclusively that everyone is naturally right-handed and so-called ‘left-handed’ people are contrarians who switch over to their non-dominant hand as children to gain more attention.

‘With 100% of our supposedly left-handed subjects we found that they were much more proficient with their right hands at every task we asked them to perform after just a small amount of practice,’ said Dr Groening of the Bachman-Shumer Institute

Left-handed people actually cost the global economy over £2.7 billion a year with their need for specially produced scissors, notepads and sandwiches. And now the BS Institute is calling for all governments to stop catering to this ‘borderline mental illness’.

‘These people are mentally unwell. They don’t need left-handed scissors, they need help. They need to be taught to use their right hand at an early age. Any sign of left-handedness needs to be quelled quickly and forcibly,’ said Dr Groening.

The news caused an uproar in the left-handed community who have called the research ‘faulty’ and accused the BS Institute of calling for a left-handed genocide.

One angry left told us, ‘We will fight for our right to be left-handed if we have to. And nothing is tricker than fighting a southpaw.’