Piers Morgan more genetically similar to a slug than a human

A shocking new WikiLeaks report has revealed that Piers Morgan has more genetically in common with a slug than a human being.

The medical file was leaked in yet another info dump by WikiLeaks. It reports that Doctors aren’t sure what Mr Morgan (that’s big M, little organ) is as a species. Some theorize he’s just a slimy man, others that he’s part man/part slug, and yet others believe he may be some sort of alien being.

‘It sounds fantastical but anyone who’s ever shook Piers’ hand knows this could very well be true. After you’ve shook his hand you’re left with this thick, gooey discharge on your hand that’s impossible to wash off. At first I just thought it was because he’s a wanker but this makes even more sense,’
said Gary Lineker, who often enjoys top bantz with Morgan on Twitter.

Despite the worrying leak, both British and American governments have pledged to leave Piers be.

‘Frankly we don’t want to go anywhere near him. He creeps us out,’
said an anonymous member of the American government.

WikiLeaks has said that it doesn’t normally condone leaking such personal information but ‘Piers Morgan is a right twat, so fuck him.’