Prolonged exposure to Jose Mourinho causes depression, say experts

It has been revealed that prolonged exposure to Jose Mourinho can lead to depression.

The study by researchers at the University of Grimsby concluded that people should avoid the scowling Manchester United manager whenever possible.

Dr Clyde Tavernier told us, ‘With his negative tactics, constant moaning and miserable face, Jose Mourinho oozes bad vibes. Unfortunately with the new football season starting he’s going to be extremely prevalent and that means millions of vulnerable people are going to be exposed to his Machiavellian shenanigans. Our advice is to totally avoid the man but that’s very hard when he appears constantly on every single media outlet.’

Football fan Rachel Absolute said, ‘I was a happy-go-lucky supporter but then I became withdrawn and anxious. It turns out my malady coincided with Mourinho getting the Manchester United job. I now lie awake at night thinking about parked busses and sublime attacking talent being forced to track back and I think my head might explode.’

The immediate future is bleak but there is hope.

Dr Tavernier told us, ‘The only positive is that Mourinho has a history of meltdowns and getting sacked. It’s all to do with planetary alignment. We are approaching a cycle where Saturn passes Uranus and traditionally this is when The Special One loses his shit. He might end up head-butting Bobby Charlton or something hilarious like that. It’s our only hope and if it doesn’t happen we’ll be stuck with him and his tub-thumping tabloid toadies for the rest of eternity.’