Reading The Daily Mail causes cancer

After decades of The Daily Mail claiming everything from drinking coffee to smiling at foreigners causes cancer, scientists have concluded that reading The Daily Mail itself causes cancer.

“There’s just so much negativity and spiteful thinking in the words written in The Daily Mail that it becomes toxic to the mind and causes grievous damage to the immune system. It creates a breeding ground for cancerous cells,” said Dr. Mayfield, quite scientifically.

Paul Dacre attempting to smile.

Paul Dacre, attempting to smile.

However Daily Mail editor, Paul Dacre says that the findings are “pure bunkum”.

“I can’t believe these findings have any basis in reality. This is just sensationalism and scare-mongering of the highest order,” fumed Mr. Dacre.

He went on to say that The Daily Mail have no intention of reporting these findings.

Other findings from the research showed that reading The Daily Mail is also a leading cause of bitterness, resentment, and ‘posh racism’.