Report: 100% of people who eat kale die anyway

Scientists have made the astonishing discovery that people who often eat kale in an effort to improve their health ultimately die anyway.

In disastrous news for kale eaters, a study of 127 of their kind found that they all die anyway and that eating the bitter, green vegetable is mostly pointless.

‘Some even die whilst eating kale,’
said Dr Alvis Wise. ‘It’s very fibrous so easy to choke on.’

Kale eaters are also at risk of death whilst talking about their love of kale and how much of the stuff they eat.

‘Kale eaters have higher murder rates than almost any other group of people. There’s just something about the self-righteous, smug little gits that make them so easy to kill,’ said Dr Wise.

With kale now proving NOT to imbue humans with some form of immortality, what is next for health freaks?

‘If it doesn’t matter then I think I’ll just eat donuts,’ said Wendy Crackstein, a former kale afficiando.