Report: Everybody some kind of asshole

A stunning new study of over one thousand people from all walks of life has revealed that everybody is some kind of asshole.

The most in-depth study of its kind was performed with 1,021 volunteers. Each was asked to keep a diary of their daily activities as well as attend a weekly talk therapy session.

And the results startled even Dr Derry Ayres, the lead researcher on the project.

‘Previously it was believed that the world had some assholes in it, but other people were okay. Through intensive study of these volunteers we have been able to conclude that everybody is some kind of asshole. It’s just a matter of finding which asshole box they fit into.

‘You have rich assholes, poor assholes, loud assholes, quiet assholes, sneaky assholes, proud assholes, smart assholes, dumb assholes – and the list goes on.’

It’s not yet known what practical applicability the study will have but sociologists believe it may go a long way to uniting humanity.

Professor Holly Rea told us: ‘Now we know we’re all more or less the same, maybe we can finally join together to form one glorious whole.’