The Republican Party has officially withdrawn their support for a senator after discovering he has a normal, legal and consensual sex life.
Senator Beale Cooter, 71, will now be forced to run a re-election campaign as an independent candidate after an investigation revealed he had remained faithful to his wife of over 40 years and had no sexual misconduct complaints made against him before or during his marriage.
‘Once upon a time, that would have been celebrated in the Republican Party,’ he sighed. ‘Now you have to have touched a child or forced yourself on a woman to win their backing.’
Republicans have called the discovery ‘deeply disturbing’ and will be vetting future senate candidates more closely to ensure this never happens again.
‘The entire point of holding a powerful political position is that you can do pretty much whatever you want with no real repercussions. It was incredibly selfish of Beale to waste his power like this,’ said one fellow senator.
The Republicans have said they regret their association with Beale and feel like they’ve made the right move even if they lose the senate seat in a threeway election campaign.
They are now scouting local sex offenders to find a new candidate.