Scientists are brimming with excitement after witnessing what they believe to be the first signs of intelligent life in Burnley.
The Lancashire town of Burnley has long been a hotbed of a very simple form of life, thought to live purely on instinct, meat pies, and incest.
But the odd species may now have evolved enough to show its very first glimmers of intelligence.
‘We’ve witnessed evidence of very rudimentary intelligence in life on Burnley. The lifeforms make inarticulate grunting noises at each other that we believe are some kind of language which we are yet to decipher,’ said Dr Saladin Gell, a leading researcher.
It has left people perturbed by the possibility of sharing the planet with another semi-intelligent humanoid race.
‘Fuckin’ nuke ’em. Simple as that,’ said one Yorkshireman.
The government will ask scientists what they believe the next step should be, before completely ignoring their advice.