Snakes return to Ireland looking for revenge

Millions of angry snakes have today returned to their ancestral home, looking for revenge against the bastard that drove their families out of Ireland.

The snakes made their way across the borders this morning by unknown vessel and are seeking revenge against St Patrick and anyone who celebrates his deeds.

‘My family were simple, hard-hissing folks who just wanted a place to call home. Then this St Patrick, or just “Patrick” as he was known then, comes and chases them all off. It was borderline genocide,’ said one snake.

And another went on to say: ‘This is like when the Palestinians kicked the Israelis out of their land and now the Israelis are claiming it back. We’re the Israelis…actually, I’m not entirely comfortable with this analogy. Don’t print this.’

The snakes have formed a slithering carpet of venomous fury that is making deep inroads into Ireland.

The Irish people have responded to the growing threat by barricading themselves in pubs and drinking copious amounts of alcohol, the only known cure for any crisis situation.