It has emerged that the sperm whale population is incredibly depressed about the name given to their species by their human overlords.
The depression is very serious and very real. Sperm whales are sinking deeper and deeper to the bottom of the ocean to avoid bullying from other aquatic wildlife.
“It’s just so fucking embarrassing,” said Duncan the sperm whale, “Sperm. Of all the words to choose to describe us, you choose sperm. Imagine if we called humans ‘jizz chimps’. How would you like it?”
In a street survey it was shown that 0 out of 37 humans would enjoy being referred to as a ‘jizz chimps’, backing up the argument of Duncan and thousands more of his kind.
What would they prefer to be called?
“Well, if we had the choice, we’d like something that really puts over how big and awesome we are. My friends and I have been spit-balling ideas and we’re all quite partial to ‘great big sea bastards’. It’d really improve the mood of the whole species.”
Green Party leader Natalie Bennett has called for scientists to pull their fingers out their asses and make the name change official.
“Still referring to these magnificent creatures as ‘sperm whales’ makes us look like a species chockers with bogans. If they want to be called ‘great big sea bastards’ then they have the fair dinkum right to have their name changed.”
It’s believed the Green Party will be holding a protest at the bottom the Atlantic ocean, in support of the sperm whales.
Do YOU think sperm whales should be allowed to change their name to great big sea bastards? Let us know in the comments below.