UK unemployment figures set to rise as George Osborne takes all the jobs

Unemployment figures in the UK are set to rise this month after George Osborne took yet another job off the market.

With at least six known jobs to his name, the former Chancellor now works 31% of all non zero-hour contracted jobs.

And, at his current rate of harvesting work, he could have literally ALL of the jobs the UK has to offer by 2031.

‘This man is now a threat to national security, as opposed to a couple of years ago when it was just social security at risk,’ grumbled Jeremy Corbyn to homself while tending to his allotment.

But Osborne has assured the people that he is no risk to anyone and each job he works he has been given due to his ability, experience and vision.

‘I read a newspaper once back in 2007 and didn’t much care for it. Dreadful left-wing bias. I think it was called the Daily Mail, or something. I’m going to work hard to make sure the Evening Standard is much more fair and balanced than that. Plus, it’ll be nice to have a big office to have a post-coke crash-out in,’ said Osborne.