The Met Office has released a weather warning on behalf of Britain, warning the sun to fuck back off to wherever it goes during the majority of the British weather calendar.
With temperatures set to soar as high as 34 Celsius in some parts of Britain, the Met Office has been forced to step in for the safety of the British public.
‘We are naturally a pale skinned, whinging little shit of a nation. We do not fair well in the heat. That is why we’re appealing directly to the sun, warning it to fuck off back to Australia or wherever it’s from,’ said Met Office Chief Meteorologist Frank Saunders.
It is not yet clear what the Met Office intends to do if the sun doesn’t heed this warning. All we know at this stage is that ‘the consequences could be dire’.
This has led some to believe that the Met Office intends to blast Danny Dyer into the sun to take part in a one-on-one fight. This method has a 0.1% chance of being effective but with no drawbacks it could be worth trying anyway.
How do YOU plan on beating the heat? Send your answers on full tubs of ice cream to the Daily Squat offices.