Boris Johnson recently claimed to be ‘as fit as a butcher’s dog’ but just how fit is that? We interviewed local butcher’s dog Pat to find out.

‘Pat, you’re a butcher’s dog. Would you say that Boris Johnson is as fit as you?’

‘Rowf! I reckon he might be as fit to serve as prime minister as I am, yes. Bow-wow!’

‘Really? How so?’

‘Arf! Well, he’s very good at rolling over – we’ve seen that from all the U-turns he’s recently made. Yip!’

‘Okay…’

‘Rowf! And we know he can play dead – sometimes nobody sees him for days at a time. Woof!’

‘Yes…’

‘Rowf! And he’s very good at following his master’s orders. Yip!’

‘Fair point. Anything else?’

‘Ruff! Yes, he likes to sniff around poles – he proved that round Jennifer Arcuri’s place. Woof!’

‘Seems fairly conclusive. So you’d give him your vote of confidence then?’

‘Arf! Not so fast. A butcher’s dog is faithful, always knows when to stay and remembers where he buries his bone. So, no. Bad dog! Grr!’

And there you have it – straight from the dog’s snout, so to speak: Boris Johnson is not as fit to be prime minister as a butcher’s dog would be. Probably explains why he’s making such a dog’s dinner of it…