Tesco to begin offering Tesco Value Divorces

Tesco, which some older readers might remember used to be a grocery shop, today announced that it was moving into the matrimonial market by offering Tesco Value Divorces alongside all its other legal, insurance, telephone, petrol and banking paraphernalia.

The idea came to them after witnessing heated arguments and potential break-up situations occurring between couples regularly every Saturday and Sunday - which had become even more noticeable during to the stress of the recent Christmas holiday season.

‘With more opportunities to shop together, every hour of almost every single soul-sucking day – especially now that every bloody thing can be bought under one roof – the fractious effects on relationships have become almost irresistible. It’s rather like going for a day out in the seventh circle of hell, only with worse music,’ said one disdainful shop worker.

A Tesco spokesperson confirmed, ‘To be honest, it seemed the logical next step for us to complete the circle which we’ve been working to establish for some time. After all, we’ve been encouraging our customers to walk down the aisle together for years – ha-ha – and all of our cashiers are quite familiar with the concept of ‘till death us do part’.’

Here the rep smirked in a self-satisfied way which provoked, in this reporter, thoughts of a more than usually murderous intent. They were swiftly subdued and the spokesbod continued.

‘Plus, in times of recession – mark my words, we’re under no illusions about how Johnson’s half-witted handling of the economy is going to play out - we have to move into the growth markets and, after all, paying over-the-odds for cut-price misery and disappointment has become one of the hallmarks of our business. Anyway, we’ve already cornered the market on every other damned aspect of your pathetic, grasping, desperate, consumption-filled lives.

‘Oh and, of course, you’ll be able to spend the Clubcard points that you accrue on microwave meals for one and boxes of tissues – after all, every little helps!’