Labour ditches Sir Keir Starmer and names Marcus Rashford as new leader

The Labour Party has announced that it has ditched Sir Keir Starmer and will go forward with footballer Marcus Rashford as its leader from now on.

After the Manchester United forward was able to make the government U-turn on free meals for schoolchildren over the summer holidays, Labour moved quickly to make Rashford their new leader.

‘Keir has been an excellent caretaker and removed much of the Corbyn-stink from the party but now it’s time to move forward. Marcus Rashford is undefeated in battles against the government and has youth on his side,’
said a Labour spokesperson.

Rashford will take a significant pay-cut to become Leader of the Opposition; however, endorsement deals with Lucozade Parliament and Red Bullshit could make up some of the shortfall.

It’s believed that Marcus Rashford will now urge the government to give all citizens Universal Basic Income as well as free subscriptions to Sky Sports.

Labour has received a significant boost in the polls since naming Marcus Rashford as their new leader, although they may be in danger of losing voters around Liverpool unless Rashford denounces his time spent with Man United.