Sales of alcohol rise after news that one drink a day shortens your life

Health experts’ warning that just one alcoholic drink a day will shorten your life has been met by a huge surge in sales for all alcoholic beverages, even advocaat.

The promise of being drunk today with less tomorrows to worry about has caused Brits to race to their nearest supermarkets and off-licenses to stock up on booze.

‘So you’re saying I can get drunk every day and not have to worry about my future? Sign me the fuck up,’ exclaimed Evan Knoll, an ardent drinker.

Even teetotallers are beginning to question their lifestyle choice with Britain’s future looking increasingly bleak.

‘I’ve always tried to do the healthy thing so I can live a long life. A long life isn’t sounding so rosy right now though,’ said Enya Gee, a yoga instructor from West Sussex.

The government has now asked health experts to advise against taking heroin in the hope that it could ease the burden on the NHS in the long-term.