Terrorists call for tighter regulations on deadly narwhal tusks

Terrorists are calling for tighter regulations on deadly narwhal tusks after one was used to fend off a terrorist attack in London.

The attack was halted by a Polish immigrant wielding a five-foot-long narwhal tusk, leading terrorists to call for their immediate banning.

‘These narwhal tusks are dangerous and deadly in the wrong hands. We can’t afford to have people walking the streets tooled up like this,’ said one terrorist.

And another told us: ‘We shouldn’t feel threatened like this when we’re carrying out our attacks. What about our human rights?’

The terrorists have an unlikely ally in their fight to ban narwhal tusks, narwhals themselves.

‘We’re sick of seeing humans using our tusks for violence when they’d serve a much better purpose in the bedroom,’ said Kin-Ki the Narwhal.

Parliament will convene next month to discuss whether or not tighter regulations are needed on narwhal tusks, with semi-automatic tusks almost certain to be banned.