Titanic survivors complain about ‘deadly CO2’ in life jackets

Survivors from the stricken Titanic, who are now being blown and buffeted about in lifeboats, have begun to express unhappiness at their continuing situation. We spoke to one of them about their rising discontent.

“Listen, we understand that what’s happened to the Titanic is a terrible calamity and that a great many people died in the immediate aftermath of the collision with the iceberg, but that was a little while back now. People haven’t been dying nearly so quickly in the time since that initial upset and we think it’s just fearmongering that’s keeping us all wearing these confounded lifejackets and confined to these tiny boats.”

He was interrupted at this point by a cry of “LIGHTHOUSE!”, following which the crew of an outlying lifeboat set a torch to the foot of a towering structure.

“Got to be careful of them - they’re supposedly there to help us navigate but we think they’re responsible for spreading the sea. Just think about it for a moment: there’s water all around them…

“Anyway, as I was saying, this is nothing like the luxury that we were used to back on the ship and we certainly don’t want to have to think of this as being our ‘new normal’.

“Sure, these lifeboats seemed like a good idea to start with, but let’s not forget that we were never actually asked whether we wanted to be saved, we certainly didn’t consent to it and, frankly, it’s now beginning to interfere with our social interaction, just being stuck all the time with the same small group of people. It’s not terribly comfortable either.” He pulled at the edge of his lifejacket, which was evidently rather snug around his torso.

“Nor, for that matter, are we entirely convinced that this ocean is as dangerous as people are making it out to be. Yes, we realise that it’s coming at us in waves but we’re still suspicious that this whole thing is just an attempt to control our behaviour by manipulating the tide of public opinion – after all, I’ve been sat looking into this water for ages now, so surely that makes me as much of an expert as anybody. And how do we know that all these bodies floating around us drowned? I mean, yes, they’re in the water, but some of them might have been bitten by sharks.” He checked his watch. “All we know for sure is that they all died within the last twenty-eight minutes.

“Besides, these jackets have been blown-up, and that means they’re filled with CO2, which we know can’t be healthy - that’s science, that is! - and most young, healthy people are more than capable of swimming.

“No, we think it’s high time that we took off these protective body-nappies, stepped out of these isolating boats and took our chances with the sea.”

The ocean swelled deeply and murmured to itself as storm clouds mounted on the horizon…