Five-second rule to be increased to five-month rule post-Brexit, promises government

The five-second rule which states that it’s okay to eat any food dropped on the floor if you pick it up within five-seconds is to be increased to five-months following Brexit, the government has promised.

It’s hoped that the rule change will allow the food supply to go further so that starving children can eat.

‘No longer will we be bound by the bureaucracy and red tape of the EU. It’s frankly ridiculous that you can’t eat food just because it’s been on the floor for a few seconds.

‘Just last week I watched one of my poorer aides drop a disgusting-looking pastry-wrapped sausage thing and then she threw it in the bin. She did nothing but complain about how hungry she was all day after that.

‘Without the five-second rule, she could have eaten that thing and not gone hungry. She said it was Gregg’s but I don’t know the man,’ one Tory minister told us.

The back of the sofa will now become one of the largest supermarkets in Britain, with an array of potentially non-lethal snacks for the entire family to enjoy.

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