1835: The decade-long Ragamuffin War starts in Brazil, lasting until key victories in the Rapscallion Clash and the Scallywag Skirmish.
1967: Queen Elizabeth II is launched into the ocean. She floats there successfully until 2008. It’s believed that being pickled in salty water for so long is the key to her longevity.
1973: Billie Jean King defeats Bobby Riggs in a tennis match dubbed the “Battle of the Sexes”. The follow-up boxing match between Muhammad Ali and Doris Sweeney is an absolute slaughter.
1990: East Germany and West Germany ratify reunification. Sadly, North Germany and South Germany decline to join.
2001: President George W Bush declares a “war on Terry” after misspeaking on camera. With President Bush being too proud to admit his mistake, millions of Terrys are killed. The population of Terrys is unlikely to ever recover.
2013: NASA announces that it won’t explore Uranus as it’s simply too rude.
2017: Hipsters attempt to gentrify Burnley ends in disaster after they’re all eaten by the natives.