August 31st – On This Day in History

12: The birth of Caligula. His brief reign as Roman emperor is marked by his unpredictable and tyrannical behaviour. He proves to be an inspiration for politicians for thousands of years.

1502: Michaelangelo creates the statue of David. David later sues Michaelangelo over the embarrassment caused by the depiction of his tiny genitals.

1688: English writer John Bunyan dies from a painful growth on his foot. A doctor goes on to call the growth “a bunion” in tribute to Bunyan.

1888: Jack The Ripper claims his first victim. He maintains that all his murders were merely pranks for his TikTok followers to enjoy.

1997: “The People’s Egyptian Socialite” Dodi Fayed dies. His girlfriend, Lady Diana, also dies. The Bangles re-release their hit single “Walk Like an Egyptian” to raise money for charity in Dodi’s honour.

2011: Germany installs tax meters for sex workers. The meter taxes sex workers six Euros a night for soliciting on the streets. Sex workers who fail to pay are subsequently clamped and impounded.

2016: Brazilian President Dilma Rousseff is impeached after it’s discovered she’s never watched a single game of football in her life. She is later sentenced to death.

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