A local man has been spotted wearing a pair of Vans even though he’s never been hit by one, it’s emerged.
Marco Hayes, 25, has been branded a ‘poser’ by town residents after he was seen wearing Vans, despite the fact he’s never been hit by a van.
‘You should only wear Vans if you’ve felt the sickening crunch of one slamming into your body, preferably while you’re on a skateboard. Marco is just diluting the brand and it makes me sick,’ said Agnes Wadebridge, 88.
‘I’m Marco’s doctor,’ Marco’s doctor told us. ‘And normally I’m bound by doctor-patient confidentiality but he’s gone too far with this one. I can confirm he’s never been hit by a van. He’s never so much as broken a bone. Fucking poser.’
Despite this seemingly damning evidence, Marco claims that he is fully qualified to wear Vans.
‘I was hit by a van two towns over. It was when I was visiting my girlfriend, who definitely exists,’ said Marco.
The investigation must continue.