A NASA probe has discovered that the sun doesn’t wear a pair of sunglasses, as was previously believed.
Solis-469 is currently closer to the sun than any previous probe has managed. The pictures that it has already sent back to NASA have shattered a long-held belief.
“The photos are clear enough for us to be certain that the sun doesn’t wear sunglasses, as was commonly believed. It does, however, wear a massive sombrero. This could indicate that the sun is of Mexican origin or, possibly, is guilty of cultural appropriation,” said a spokesperson for NASA.
Outraged white people are now calling for the sun to be cancelled unless it can prove it has Mexican heritage.
“I’ve never been more offended in my life,” said Elizabeth Johnson, the angriest and whitest woman we could find. “Haven’t the Mexicans been through enough without the sun mocking them? I’m going to boycott the sun completely until we get a full and grovelling apology. Even after that, I won’t be happy.”
The photographs have vindicated some fringe scientists who have long claimed that the sun doesn’t wear sunglasses.
“You wear sunglasses to protect your eyes from the sun. Why would the sun need to protect itself from itself? It never made any sense and I’m glad that I’ve finally been proved right after all these years,” Dr Kirk Spacey told us.
The latest findings will also have serious implications for the majority of children’s artwork. Most of it has now been completely invalidated and will need to be thrown straight into the bin.