Boris Johnson will launch a full-scale inquiry into whether his latest child is his or not, it’s emerged.
With the prime minister unable to remember if he attended the conception, an official investigation will be launched into who sired the baby.
“I cannot remember where I was or who I was with at the time of conception. Maybe I was there, maybe I wasn’t. I move in mysterious ways. Sometimes I lurch to the left, other times to the right. Sometimes I come in at an angle.
“The point is, anyone could have fathered that baby with the shocking mess of blond hair. I don’t see why I should get the blame,” Johnson told the press.
A top civil servant and close personal friend of Mr Johnson will lead the investigation.
“Our friendship won’t get in the way of the investigation at all. Neither will the newly deposited £40,000 and the promise of a peerage,” the civil servant told us.