Extroverted? Here’s how to shut the fuck up for once

Are you a fan of huge crowds and being the centre of attention? Does the thought of staying in and reading a book fill you with dread? Do you enjoy watching your friends suffer as you talk at them for thirty minutes solid?

Then you are probably an extrovert.

Now, there’s nothing inherently wrong with being an extrovert. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try to fit in with quieter, smarter, more reflective people.

1. Don’t be so confident in yourself.

You might think you’re special and that everyone is naturally interested in you, but that isn’t the case. You’re just another humdrum person trudging through life until you die. A few people will miss you when you die, many will be relieved.

2. Practice being quiet.

Sit by yourself and take out your phone. No, don’t take a video of yourself to post to social media. Instead, find your stopwatch app and time how long you can be quiet and still.

How did you do? If you got to thirty seconds, try and beat that record. Keep beating your own record over and over until you can spend hours without needing to be with other people.

3. Get a comfortable pair of pyjamas and slip into them as soon as you get back from work.

Buy the most comfortable and luxurious pair of pyjamas you can afford and put them on as soon as you get back from anywhere.

The relaxed warm feeling will dull the urge of wanting to go anywhere else.

4. Befriend an introvert.

Befriend an introvert at work and try your best to copy what they do. Notice how they don’t talk about themselves much and they don’t seem to do much of anything? It’s a perfectly valid life choice and you should copy them as best as you can.

Remember to never call them (this is a huge no-no) or invite them out anywhere.

5. Stitch your mouth shut.

If all else fails, you can break our the needle and thread and stitch your mouth shut. This will not only render you unable to talk but help you lose a few pounds.

It’s a win-win!

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