How to be born to rich parents, by Kirstie Allsopp

Listen up, plebs.

Many of you have accused me of being completely out of touch with reality and of being born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Well, the spoon was actually white gold but I see the point you’re trying to make.

What you probably don’t realise it that it takes a lot of time and effort to be born to rich parents; it isn’t just the luck of the draw.

That’s why I’m going to share with you my top tips on how to be born to rich parents.

1. Be superior in your last life.

I’m certain that, if reincarnation exists, I was a superior human being in my last life. I was probably some impressive rags to riches tale, which is why I got to start with riches in this life.

It’s undoubtedly too late for you to do anything in this life, but have a think about what you can do on the next go-round.

2. Give back to the community.

I don’t publish incredibly thought-provoking articles for the good of my health, I do it to give back to mankind. Where else would you get such groundbreaking ideas as cancelling Netflix and giving up coffee?

It’s important to give back and it’s something I do all the time. Just yesterday I told a homeless man on the street to get a job, something I presume he’s never thought to do.

3. Manifest it.

Negative people have negative thoughts and negative thoughts make negative people. It’s a vicious cycle.

If you want something, you have to will it into being. Every day you should say to yourself “I want to be born to rich parents” at least one thousand times. You can do this while you’re not at the gym because you’ve cancelled your membership.

4. Stealth adoption.

If you’ve followed all my advice and you still haven’t been born to rich parents, then it’s time to force the issue.

Stand around outside your local rich person place (you’ll know where this is because they won’t let you in) with some adoption papers. Whenever you see someone coming out that looks better than you, ask them for an autograph. Rich people are very busy and will likely ignore you but you might get lucky.

Technically, you won’t have been born to rich parents but being adopted by them is close enough.

If you need more advice, please re-read this article.

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