Report: Northern water thicker than southern blood

Water is thicker than blood, according to a new report, at least when you compare water from the north of England to the blood of southerners.

Southerners’ blood was found to be significantly thinner than water from northern taps in an experiment conducted by scientists.

One hundred southerners were fitted with ball gags in their mouths and then drained of one pint of blood each.

‘The ball gags weren’t strictly necessary for the experiment,’ explained Dr Crankshaft. ‘We just needed to keep them quiet for our own sanity. That was the only way.’

The blood was then compared to tap water from several towns and cities across the north of England.

Dr Crankshaft believes the difference in viscosity could explain why northern people are so tough.

‘They have to practically chew their water. Southern blood is like a sparkling rosĂ© wine in comparison,’
he told us.

Southerners are now being urged to avoid drinking northern water or going to the north of England at all.