DON’T murder people, blood-soaked Boris tells Brits

A blood-soaked Boris Johnson has warned Brits not to murder each other, leading to suspicions about what the prime minister has been up to recently.

The prime minister, with blood on his hands, gave a speech in which he implored British people not to go around killing one another.

“Stay inside, DON’T murder, stay safe,” said Johnson.

But the amount of blood on his hands and face has led some to suspect that, once again, the prime minister might have broken his own rules.

“First he banned Christmas for everyone while he was having parties and now he’s telling us not to murder when he’s clearly just butchered someone.

“It’s one rule for him, another for the rest of us,” said Hannibal Lecter, a renowned psychologist.

Boris Johnson has denied murdering anyone but several sex workers have gone missing around the Whitechapel area recently and either he or Jacob Rees-Mogg seem to be the likeliest suspects.

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