Jesus Christ has begun the process of getting the drinks in for his upcoming birthday.
Eyewitnesses reported seeing Jesus carrying multiple packs of water back from the market, and he confirmed as much himself.
“It’s almost my birthday and also Christmas Day. That’s two celebrations for the price of one, so you better believe I’ll be pulling out my old party trick. Let’s just say, the vino shall be flowing freely.
“I’m going to get so drunk that even I won’t be able to walk on this stuff,” he said, pointing at the water with a wink.
Some have questioned why Jesus would buy bottled water, creating plastic waste, when he could just use tap water.
“I’ve heard that the government puts chemicals in the tap water that turns people into conspiracy theorists. No one wants to drink conspiracy wine,” he told us.