Russia bans rest of the world from Russian roulette championships

Russia has banned players from the rest of the world from competing in the 2022 Russian roulette championships, which run this summer.

The annual brain-splattering spectacle will only feature competitors from Russia after President Vladimir Putin issued the following statement:

“We have a responsibility to limit the rest of the world’s impact on Russia. In the circumstances of such unjustified and unprecedented sanctions against Russia, it would be unacceptable to allow any other nation to benefit from competing in the Russian roulette championships.

“If the sanctions against Russia are removed, we may consider removing the ban and opening up the championships to the rest of the world next year.

“We look forward to an all-Russian Russian roulette final for the twentieth year in a row. It’s a remarkable feat for a contest that’s only twenty years old.”

Vladimir Putin is, of course, a twenty-time Russian roulette champion. He has, coincidentally, faced a political rival in the final every single year.

Allegations that all of his opponents were forced to use fully-loaded pistols are unproven at this time.

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