A 24-year-old has unwittingly retired from making any new friends, it’s emerged.

John Membership, 24, today made his last ever new friend. He isn’t aware of the fact right now, but he’ll not make another new friend for the rest of his life.

If you were to tell John this now, he’d be incredibly sad at the idea that not a single new person would join his inner circle. However, if you were to tell John this in ten years, he’d likely be relieved.

Of course, there’ll be work colleagues John becomes fond of – maybe as many as three. And friends of friends who John doesn’t mind. But no new friends.

Twenty-four might sound like a young age to stop making new friends but it’s actually the national average.

“Although the average is skewed heavily by alt-right types, who tend not to make any friends at all,” said Dr Varicose Lane.